The Boyfriend Situation - Continued

I haven't spoken to my mother in months.

I'm sending her flowers via online and a card so that people in my family will stop sticking pins into voodoo dolls with my name on it. I'm not close with my mother anymore, big effing deal. It happens. Sometimes too much shit happens to people and they just don't like each other anymore. Sharing the same DNA shouldn't mean that you are bound to one another. I believe that the definition of family and friends are the people in your life, every day, who give a shit and contribute positively to your well being. Ok all of that was really boring so I'm going to stop now.


Sometimes I don't shower for days at a time. Sometimes I just don't feel like it. I see my boyfriend every other day and on those days, I have to because he's a doctor and he would notice. This morning I did, and now I'm at work, with wet hair because I'm too lazy to blow dry it in the morning. It's a good thing because it reinforces my 'non-model' look at work and keeps the married assholes from leering at me.

My boyfriend is selling his beemer this weekend, in preparation for moving. Every time he talks about it it's like a railway spike slicing right through my chest. I applied for a west coast transfer at my firm a month ago, and haven't heard anything back yet. Fits right in with my horrible luck streak. It's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm going to be 100, and stuck here forever. It depresses the shit out of me.

I bought two lottery tickets today, hopefully I'll win 17 million dollars so I can just quit and pack up my things tomorrow and head back to LA. That is, if reality doesn't set in first.

My boyfriend is extremely perceptive, he notices everything. He can tell the slightest nuance that I am depressed and sad and when that happens he makes comments about it. All night. Until I tell him what is bothering me and quite frankly what am I supposed to say? Oh honey it's nothing, I'm just depressed that when you move to LA in July I won't be able to go with you right away and I am going to be stuck here miserable for all eternity? Not very attractive. Men say, "you can tell me anything" but don't do it. Never reveal your weaknesses to a guy, it lowers your value, I've learned, in the long run.

It's May Now Which Means I Only Have 3 months now

Countdown to July: 3 months

I was supposed to be increasing the balance in preparation for my LA move but it seems to be going in the opposite direction. Lovely. I have a high overhead: hair, nails, tanning, cable, internet, clothes, sushi, booze, gym membership, gas, and airfare suck my income dry every month. It's tough being me, if I skimp on any of these things my whole look goes to shit.

I have this insatiable desire to be somebody, something. It's like a knawing hunger that haunts me. I just can't be satisfied with floating along. I have to be really, really successful. I want prestige and popularity. I want it so badly I am terrified of being lost in mediocrity. It's a curse to never be satisfied.

Also...Boyfriends make you fat.

My boyfriend, the hot doctor, picks me up in his beemer every other day and we have dinners out. He likes big, 'man' style dishes like steaks, bbq, etc. He also likes sushi but he likes the designer rolls that are usually drizzled in spicy mayo or bread crumbs. This kind of eating doesn't agree with my thighs and the result is I have to starve on the days I don't see him. If I attempt to cancel plans he gets paranoid and thinks I'm up to something and comes over anyway, lol.

I love his persistence.